


Manifestations of Regret

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Get Together, Jealousy, Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 05:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gai gets a girlfriend; Kakashi reacts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manifestations of Regret

**Author's Note:**

> written for the naruto_meme kinkmeme.

“Kyoko-san’s smile is so bright, it outshines the sun! She is more delicate than a flower petal, her hair—“  
  
Gai stopped for a moment, having run out of things to compare with the love of his life. Really, there simply was nothing in the world that came close to Kyoko. He sighed wistfully just at the thought of her. How to explain this feeling to Kakashi? But when Gai – at a loss - glanced over to his rival, seated opposite him in a dim corner of the sushi restaurant, he froze.  
Kakashi’s eye had glazed over.  
  
Typical, but still infuriating.  
  
“Are you even listening to me?!”Gai shouted loud enough to earn annoyed looks from other guests. Not that this was bothering him. If anyone had reason to raise his voice, it was him. After all, here he was pouring his heart out and Kakashi?  
  
Kakashi just shrugged shamelessly. “Not really, no.”  
  
“Why am I even telling you this?!”  
  
“Honestly, I’ve no idea. Why _are_ you telling me all this?” With thumb and index finger, Kakashi pulled the edge of his mask away from his face and let a bite of food drop into the opening.  
  
“Because you are my eternal rival! And because I want to share my joy with you! You should be happy for me!”  
  
“I really am. I just have trouble showing it.”  
  
True. Kakashi was emotionally stunted; Gai knew that. On the inside Kakashi was probably overwhelmed by emotions! The mere thought brought tears to Gai’s own eyes. He wished he could just get up, jump over the table and give Kakashi a great, big hug. But he knew Kakashi wouldn’t want that. If only he wasn’t so repressed…  
  
He could still express his feelings with words though.  
“You are?! Oh, Kakashi, you truly are the best fr—“ Midsentence Gai caught Kakashi’s eye. Nothing. There was nothing but a hint of slightly bored amusement. “iend..” He finished, all his enthusiasm gone in a heartbeat. “You’re making fun of me!”  
  
“Hmmm, maybe,” Kakashi said, chewing.  
  
Gai was about to tell his rival what he thought about this kind of disinterested reaction when Kakashi cocked his head and asked, “So, this Kyokon—?”  
  
“Kyoko!” Gai narrowed his eyes; he had the sneaking suspicion that Kakashi had heard and remembered her name perfectly well and was just trying to infuriate him.  
  
“Whatever. Have you asked her out yet?” Gai would have been insulted by the whatever if Kakashi hadn’t, for the first time this evening, sounded vaguely interested. Also, this was the good part, the part where he got to gloat and impress his rival.  
  
“Actually,” Gai beamed, “Kyoko-san and I have been going out for the past two weeks already!”  
  
Something flickered across Kakashi’s face. Envy, Gai thought, but it was gone too quickly to really identify it. Kakashi was a master of hiding his emotions within the blink of an eye; he still looked completely stunned, though.  
  
“Are you saying that, in the two weeks I was away on a mission, you got a girlfriend?”  
  
“Yes!” Gai still beamed, but when Kakashi didn’t laugh or smile or show any other kind of reaction, he did feel his grin falter somewhat.  
  
“Aren’t you happy for me?” His own voice sounded a little less confident now.  
  
“I… Yeah, sure. So, who is she again?” There was an alertness in Kakashi’s eye that Gai thought should have pleased him, but he found it slightly unnerving. Still, Kakashi was listening to him. He was all ears.  
  
***

Gai went home with a strange, unsettling feeling in his gut. Maybe the food disagreed with him. Kakashi, too, had seemed a little unwell after their meal. He had been so out of it that he’d even paid for his own food himself instead of getting Gai to take care of the bill like he usually did.  
  
Then again, maybe Kakashi’d just been tired. He had just come back from a long mission after all. Gai nodded to himself. That had to be it. Once in a while even the strongest, toughest shinobi hit a low. Kakashi just needed some rest.  
  
As he walked through the now dark and fairly deserted streets of Konoha, Gai let his thoughts wander towards a more pleasant topic. Kyoko. During their dinner, Gai had told Kakashi all about her – all about them.  
  
He’d met her on an errand for Tenten. Always looking for a few new interesting things to expand her arsenal, Tenten had, upon becoming a chuunin, been given the opportunity to work with the division for weapon development. Gai himself didn’t have much to do with those people. He was a taijutsu master after all and didn’t really use many tools apart from ordinary kunai and shuriken.  
  
Kyoko designed complex traps, both weapon and chakra based, and Gai had never met her in Konoha (or at least he’d never noticed her) until he’d stepped into her workshop to pick up a few extra powerful exploding tags for Tenten.  
  
It had been love at first sight. The kind of experience people wrote songs and poems about – he being one of those people and having indeed written his fair share of poems.  
Kyoko was smart, she was kind and she was beautiful and the best part was that she actually liked him back.  
  
Gai wasn’t exactly someone who fell in love quickly – he certainly wasn’t fickle. But he had had several rather one-sided crushes over the years. And as a result, he had grown so used to showering whoever he was interested in with attention, compliments and presents only to be brushed off – and sometimes chased away – that when Kyoko had accepted his first invitation to dinner with a gentle smile, he’d been almost too shocked to react.  
  
But they’d gone out then and they were still going out now and he was happy.  
  
***  
  
“Your _eternal rival_ paid me a visit at the workshop today,” was the first thing Kyoko said as she opened the door for Gai the next day. Gai blinked at her, non-plussed. Instinctively he raised the flowers he was holding as if they could shield him from… well Kyoko’s expression for one thing.  
  
Which was almost scary. He’d never seen her look this annoyed. Usually her face lit up the moment she laid eyes on him and they would just stand for a few seconds, basking in the glow of their mutual love.  
  
Gai tried his best to recover from his shock and to disregard the sharp pang of irritation he’d felt in response to the way she’d said “eternal rival” – sarcastically, like it was a ridiculous expression, something she couldn’t even say with a straight face.  
  
Gai knew that Kakashi could be… difficult… sometimes and he’d had a bit too much to drink the night before, so…  
So he probably owed his beautiful flower an apology on behalf of Kakashi.  
  
“I’m sorry if Kakashi said anything to you that —“  
  
“He was mean. He kept calling me Kyokon,” she interrupted, growing more and more agitated upon relaying the events of the morning to him. Angrily, she grabbed his upper arm and pulled him over the threshold, but just into the room, not into a hug. In fact, she kept him at arm’s length and slammed the door to her apartment decisively shut behind him.

Gai winced, hoping that the flowers wouldn’t suffer as much from her wilting stare as he did. He had just picked them for her but they’d already begun shedding petals.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said, offering his poor flowers.  
Kyoko didn’t pay any attention to his apology or them.  
  
“Why did you tell him about us?” She brushed a strand of brown hair out of her dark eyes. As usual, she wore her hair done up in a bun, which was held in place by a wooden senbon. “It looks cute and it comes in handy sometimes,” she’d said with a wink when he’d complimented her hairstyle for the first time. It seemed like a long time ago now.  
  
“And while we’re at it, what exactly did you tell him about us?!” Kyoko stared him down, although she had to look up to do it properly, her hands firmly on her hips.

  
“I just—“ Frankly, Gai wasn’t all that sure himself. They’d drunk quite a bit and he’d been so overwhelmed by the way Kakashi had suddenly focused on him completely and listened so intently. That was a rare occurrence, which really never happened outside of missions.  
  
His tongue had probably been shamefully loose.  
  
“I was overwhelmed by,” he began then stopped himself. Better not mention Kakashi’s effect on him; better make this about Kyoko. Which it had been.  
  
“I love you! I wanted to share my joy about our relationship with somebody! And Kakashi—Kakashi-kun,” he said, not quite able to uphold the enthusiastic tone until the end, mostly because it felt so awkward to use an honorific when referring to his eternal rival. He was so used to calling Kakashi by his first name only that it just seemed unnatural.  
  
And Kakashi only called him “Gai-kun “ when he was annoyed or wanted to tease him.  
  
“Kakashi-kun,” he tried again, “I thought he would approve of you.”  
  
“ _Approve?_ ” The tone alone was enough to tell Gai that he’d somehow said the worst thing possible. “Why would I care whether he approved of me or not, and why would you? He’s just someone you spar with, isn’t he? From what I’ve heard – and the way he talked about you – he doesn’t even seem to like you, Gai-san!”  
  
The words were thrown at him like a bucket of ice water, meant to wake him up, but all Gai could feel was his stomach clenching, his fists too, until the crushed flower stalks bled all over his fingers. Kyoko was shaking her head sadly, “Look, you deserve –“  
  
Gai would never learn what he deserved.  
  
“You don’t know anything.” The coldness in his voice surprised even himself. He let the flowers fall where he stood and marched out of Kyoko’s apartment without another look at her.

***  
  
Gai ran. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the movement, to run until he was too exhausted to take another step, to think another thought. After the first hundred laps he was still nowhere near that. It was the curse of his existence. He could run and run and he wouldn’t grow tired. He could run to the end of the world and back without breaking a sweat. He ached to tear open the gates just to feel another kind of pain.  
  
Kakashi haunted him, even more than Kyoko. and he had to fight himself. He had to fight his legs or they’d carry him to Kakashi’s door. He couldn’t see Kakashi now. He thought he might kill him if he did. Or one of them at least.  
Gai ran until the sky turned red, then he headed for the training grounds.  
  
And stopped dead in his tracks when he realized that someone else was already there. Kakashi. He couldn’t quite see him yet, but he recognized the chakra pattern. Kakashi wasn’t training. He couldn’t be. He wasn’t moving. That meant he was waiting.  
  
For Gai, who bit his lip and clenched his fists.  
Kakashi had sensed him. Kakashi came towards him.  
Before a coherent thought had time to form in Gai’s head, Kakashi appeared between the trees, hands in his pockets, cool and casual.  
  
The mere sight pissed Gai off to no end. He stopped thinking and launched himself at his target.  
  
***  
  
The back of Kakashi’s head hit the dirt with a dull thud.  
  
“What the-?” he just about managed to choke out, then Gai’s forearm came down hard on his throat, making his body convulse.  
  
“What did you say to her?”  
  
The only answer he got was the _puff_ of the clone dissolving beneath him. Face first, Gai fell into the cool grass, feeling for an instant as if all his anger was being drained out of him and soaked up by the earth. But it didn’t last because he could sense the real Kakashi behind him, preparing to strike – or to claim his victory at least.  
  
“Your girlfriend really can’t take a joke, can she?”  
  
Faster than lightening and without looking, Gai caught Kakashi’s wrist before his fingertips could make contact with the back of Gai's neck and twisted the arm as hard as he could from where he lay. The angle of his arm was abysmal, of course; it was only due to his inhuman strength that he managed to pull off any kind of throw.  
  
Either way, he sent Kakashi flying, which was at least a little satisfying, but nowhere near enough.  
  
By the time Kakashi landed on his feet like a cat, Gai had got back on his own feet and into his fighting stance as well. Their eyes met across the expanse of grassy training field then – Kakashi’s both wary and weary, but not, Gai noted, particularly apologetic, and Gai’s probably filled with righteous anger.  
  
Kakashi had pulled up his headband already; his Sharingan giving him that extra edge that was sometimes enough to send his opponents running away in fear even before the actual start of the fight.  
  
Gai, though, only stubbornly trained his eyes on Kakashi’s feet .  
  
Then he charged again.  
  
He’d half expected Kakashi to retreat, but he stood his ground, taking a defensive stance, knees bent slightly, left foot in front of the right one, weight on the right leg.  
  
As soon as he had reached the right distance, Gai jumped up and came down on Kakashi in a heel drop kick that was strong enough to split stone. Kakashi tried to block it with both forearms over his head, but Gai could feel a tremor go through his whole body upon impact. It was almost enough to make him feel sorry for Kakashi.  
  
But then all resistance was gone in a flash, a single log of wood rolling through the grass as Gai’s foot struck the ground.  
  
“Running away again,” he grunted, annoyed.  
  
Kakashi emerged from some bushes at the edge of the field and strolled closer in a manner that was remarkably relaxed and dignified for someone with leaves stuck in his hair and mud all over his sleeves.

“Feeling better now? Because—“  
  
Gai didn’t let him finish, and this time Kakashi did run away, which, naturally, made Gai chase him, although he knew that this wasn’t the real Kakashi, who probably still sat in some bush or other, watching and chuckling to himself.  
  
He chased the clone around more or less for fun while he looked for his rival. It took some restraint not to catch him, though, since Kakashi couldn’t outrun Gai in an open field with no obstacles and nowhere to hide, as he had neither the speed nor the stamina. His clone wasn’t any better in that respect.  
  
Gai, on the other hand, wasn’t as good at sensing chakra, which didn’t exactly make locating the real Kakashi easier.  
  
After zigzagging around the training ground for a few minutes, Gai simply sped past the clone, charging into the underbrush. Kakashi didn’t even have enough time to properly get up from where he crouched, much less come up with any kind of defense. Gai plucked him up by his neck and slammed him against the trunk of the nearest tree, where he dissolved upon impact.  
  
“You’re out of shape today,” clone(?) Kakashi called from behind him.  
  
Gai growled and spun around, racing towards Kakashi, who, completely unimpressed, seemed to be preoccupied with wiping mud off his sleeves. Gai launched himself forward, pulling his right arm back to punch Kakashi square in the face like he deserved and then screamed in pain when the earth broke open beneath him and eight jaws clenched around his body, teeth digging into his limbs.  
  
Kakashi looked up from his sleeve, at the fist that had come to a halt maybe an inch from the tip of his nose. He pulled his headband down over his left eye.  
  
Gai couldn’t suppress the urge to struggle. He knew he could free himself if he really tried. But not without seriously hurting the ninken, which was something he wouldn’t do, and, of course, Kakashi knew that too.

Still, he could move a little. It drove the teeth deeper into his flesh, but he didn’t mind the pain all that much; he could withstand so much more. So, Gai pulled hard and watched as the cheerful smugness drained from Kakashi’s face. The dogs, too, shifted around him, their hold loosening somewhat, not sure what to make of the situation.  
  
Pakkun was the first to let go of Gai completely.  
  
“Oi, what are we doing here? This is sparring, right?” he asked Kakashi, “cause if he doesn’t stay still…”  
  
Warm streamlets of blood were running down Gai’s body and still he fought to get free, staring into Kakashi’s eye,  clenched teeth bared, and pulling against the pain. He knew the dogs liked him and didn’t want to hurt him, but he also knew that if Kakashi gave the order, they’d tear out his throat without a second thought.  
  
“Stubborn idiot…” Kakashi narrowed his eye at Gai. “It’s fine,“ he said to the dogs, “you can go.”  
  
“If you say so…” Pakkun didn’t look convinced but vanished with a puff anyway, the other seven following his example immediately.  
  
With nothing holding him in place anymore, Gai found himself in serious danger of falling to his knees. He hurt. It felt like the dogs had taken whole chunks out of his body.  
  
“Why did you have to treat her like that?”  
  
“If she couldn’t even take that much, she really wasn’t worth it, Gai,” Kakashi said dismissively, not meeting his eyes, but when Gai swayed on his feet, Kakashi quickly caught his arm. “You deserve better than that.” He’d said it so softly that Gai just barely caught the words. They made his stomach clench in a way that sent a wave of nausea sweeping over him, not unlike the few times he had set foot on a ship.  
  
“You don’t get to decide what I deserve.” Gai pulled out of Kakashi’s grip and turned to stalk off.  
  
“I hope you’re going to the hospital,” Kakashi called after him.  
  
Gai kept walking, very much trying not to limp. In two long strides Kakashi caught up to him.  
  
“When I said _I hope you’re going to the hospital_ , what I actually meant to say was, _you’re going to the hospital_ ,” he said with a hint of that cheerfulness of his that was actually a thinly-veiled threat.  
  
“This is nothing. I can take care of this at home.” The weird thing was, Gai thought, that he _had_ been planning to go to the hospital until Kakashi had brought it up. Now he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.  
  
“Okay then, I’m taking you to the hospital.” Kakashi still sounded extremely jovial; you had to know him to realize how serious he was. Thankfully, Gai knew him very well, so he kept his mouth shut and walked stiffly into the village and into the hospital, Kakashi never leaving his side.

 

***

After that Gai decided to stay away from Kakashi for a while. To make a point.  
  
He apologized to Kyoko the next day and brought her a new bouquet of flowers, red and orange ones that he had picked himself, which she accepted with a somewhat strained expression before telling him that she thought they’d better “take a break.” Even Gai understood that that meant she didn’t want to see him around for the next few days at least. Maybe even a week.  
  
***  
  
In the end, he managed to avoid Kakashi for two days, then the two of them were sent on a mission to a remote village on the outskirts of Fire Country. They were to take care of a group of hoodlums who were terrorizing the area and who were suspected to be in cahoots with some missing nin or other. It was a regular A-rank- mission, the kind that was only ranked A for the unknown element.  
  
Either way, the villagers were scared and helpless and needed rescuing.  
  
This time, Gai decided, he would be the cool, untouchable one.  
He would not be tricked into forgiving Kakashi!  
  
So, on the way to the village when they passed an inn and Kakashi asked him whether he wanted a cold drink, Gai said no, which only made Kakashi shrug and buy himself a drink while Gai looked on, actually thirsty, his cool dismissal of Kakashi going completely unnoticed.  
  
***  
  
The mission went without a hitch. Gai merely had to open the sixth gate, and the fight was over within a minute, the missing nin defeated and his former henchmen begging for forgiveness. Kakashi and Gai left them to the local authorities.  
  
Afterwards Gai enjoyed being celebrated by the liberated villagers for a while, flexing his muscles for the giggling girls – some of which offered to accompany him to his room at the local inn, but he turned them down, telling them that he was looking for a lifelong companion rather than a fling.  
  
Annoyingly, Kakashi had even more admirers, but Gai didn’t let that bother him. Kakashi could play the cool and mysterious stranger only for so long, and at the end of the day, Gai knew, most women wanted a real man. A handsome man with substance like him.  
  
He felt a sharp twinge then, suddenly, in the back of his neck. His muscles ached from opening the gates. They didn’t use to, at least not as much. Thinking about the implications made him feel uneasy, though, so he pushed the thoughts away. Still, staying up in this state wouldn’t be a good idea, so he apologized to his fanclub and retreated to the room he was sharing with Kakashi. It was barely even afternoon, and yet Gai undressed, crawled under the covers and went to sleep immediately.  
  
***  
  
He woke up, bleary eyed, to the thump of the sliding door closing behind Kakashi, who had just come in carrying a huge plate, piled with sliced and diced fruit that made Gai’s mouth water.  
  
“On the house,” Kakashi said, setting the plate down on the low table in the centre of the room.  
  
Gai crawled over quickly, more or less on all fours, his back still a post-sixth-gate-needle cushion. He was starving and he knew that Kakashi, although he didn’t look it – pale and skinny as he was – could put away enormous amounts of food in unexpectedly small amounts of time. Gai had learnt that the hard way.  
  
They both sat down on cushions opposite each other and immediately started digging in. For a second Gai contemplated suggesting an eating contest, but for once he didn’t want to risk it.

***

Gai wiped the last drops of sticky juice off his chin and sighed contentedly. Then his contentment evaporated when he realized that Kakashi was watching him somewhat critically from where he sat in his usual lazy sprawl.  
  
“Feeling better?” Kakashi asked with a kindly expression that was clearly hiding something.  
  
Gai knew a trick question when he heard one and he wasn’t going to fall for this one.  
  
“What do you mean? I feel great!” To illustrate his point, he punched the air, showing Kakashi that he was full of youthful energy, more than ready for another fight, and not at all biting back a wince when his elbow was pierced by tiny, hot needles of pain.  
  
“Ah, right, I can see it now.” Spoken in the driest tone possible.  
Gai for his part chose to avoid eye contact and pretended he hadn’t heard. He was fine.  
  
What was wrong with Kakashi anyway? Sitting there, actually looking at Gai, no Icha Icha in sight… Maybe he was sick.  
  
“Well, at least you’re not deflating in front of the villagers anymore. That was a little embarrassing.”  
  
No, definitely not sick.  
  
“Deflating? Who was deflating?! I was impressive! They were impressed by my raw power and youthful spirit!”  
  
“Really? I didn’t notice. Also, what would Kyoko-chan say if she saw you flirting so shamelessly, I wonder…”  
  
“I wasn’t---“ He stopped himself, brain catching up to the rest of the sentence. “Since when do you care about Kyoko-san?”  
  
“ _Does_ she still care whether you flirt?” Kakashi leaned closer provocatively. He had taken off his vest, sweatshirt, sandals and gloves, but was still wearing everything else despite the summer temperatures. He probably relied on his attitude to keep him cool.  
  
“Why wouldn’t she?” Two could play the unfazed game.  
  
“From the way you attacked me back then, I thought she’d broken up with you.”  
  
Gai winced at that, but covered it up quickly enough, or so he hoped.  
“We’re only on a break, once I get back to Konoha, I’m sure I will recapture her heart!“  
  
“Hmmm, a break?” Kakashi shook his head sadly, but there was a glint in his eye. “I wouldn’t be so sure. She definitely broke up with you.”  
  
“She didn’t say that!”  
  
“She probably just didn’t want you to make a scene. Believe me, this relationship is over.”  
  
It hurt a little, hearing that. Gai had no idea what to reply. On the one hand, he wanted to keep protesting, on the other he had this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like a pile of dead butterflies. Kakashi had no reason to lie to him; he had no reason to tell him that he thought it was over unless he really thought it was, which meant that it was over because Kakashi was smart and knew things.  
  
Gai felt his lower lip wobble dangerously.  
  
“Look, if she couldn’t take a joke, she wasn’t worth it, Gai.” For once, Kakashi actually sounded like he cared, but that only made Gai more emotional. Tears were starting to well up, collecting on his lower eyelashes like sparkly morning dew.  
  
Kakashi got a little more frantic in his efforts to console. “She would have left you sooner or later anyway. This way at least you didn’t get all attached to her before she dumped you,” he hurried to say, then waited for his words to sink in. However, Gai was nowhere near ready to let go of his grief. His heart was broken. How could Kyoko end it like that without even giving him the chance to defend himself? It wasn’t fair.

“Gai?” He looked up to see Kakashi stare at him with something like actual concern written on the small part of his face that wasn’t covered by cloth.  
  
Seeing him made a light bulb go off in Gai’s head. Here was the real culprit, right in front of him! Gai lunged for him, grabbing Kakashi’s shoulders and giving him a good shake.  
  
“You have to apologize to her! Then she’ll forgive me!”  
  
“What? No!” Kakashi struggled in his grip, trying in vain to pry Gai’s hands off his shoulders.  
  
“But I love her!” Gai shouted in his face. The table he half-kneeled on gave a long mournful creak as if it was sharing his despair.  
  
“Do you? Really?” Despite his inability to keep his teeth from rattling, Kakashi could apparently still form words and quite effective ones at that. Gai, too dumbfounded for further movement, stopped shaking but didn’t let go of his victim. Did he love her? He cared about Kyoko, didn’t he? She was smart and friendly and capable and pretty and she had reciprocated his flirting… And he wanted her back; he hated losing.  
  
“You’re a fool. You barely know her.”  
  
Gai blinked at that and let go of Kakashi, stunned. Maybe he did have a point. They had only dated for a little more than two weeks. There was something else, though. Looking at Kakashi’s expression, the relief he seemed to feel about the breakup… Gai narrowed his eyes, thinking hard.  
  
And then, suddenly, it came to him like a stroke of genius.  
  
“Oh, I see! You’re jealous!”  
  
Kakashi actually flinched. Jackpot!  
  
“You’re jealous because I have a pretty girlfriend and you don’t!”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“It’s so obvious!”  
  
“If it’s so obvious, why did it take you so long to arrive at this conclusion, which, by the way, is completely wrong?”  
  
Gai wasn’t deterred by this, though. It was only natural that Kakashi would try to hide his vulnerable side. He just needed some loving support from his friend, and Gai was more than willing to give him just that.  
  
“Don’t worry, my rival! You too will find somebody to love, to share all the joy of life… as well as help you through the more sorrowful parts.”  
  
He reached over and gave Kakashi’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before the other man had time to dodge.  
  
“And I forgive you, in fact, maybe I can help you find that special someone! What’s your type?”  
  
Kakashi mumbled something into his mask that sounded suspiciously like “mentally challenged.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Nothing,” he said with that fake innocence of his that everyone still fell for even after years of him abusing it. Gai, though, was the exception to that rule. He gave Kakashi a stern but supportive look, one that said _I know that deep down you have a very tender, fragile heart and you are afraid of being hurt, so let me help you._  
  
“So, you wouldn’t mind if I spent all my spare time with someone other than you for a change? No more challenges?” Kakashi asked, obviously deeply afraid of losing his rival although he was trying not to show it by giving his voice a teasing note.  
  
“You wouldn’t spend all your time with her! There would always be time for challenges! Even when both of us are married and have families.” Gai folded his arms across his naked chest, oozing confidence, but all he got in return was stunned silence.  
  
Kakashi looked at him in a very disconcerting, very shocked manner.  
  
“Married?” It was like he had never heard the word before. “You want to get married?”

His tone made Gai feel like the temperature in the room had dropped significantly. Unsure of how to approach the sudden change in climate, he decided to try to sound reassuring.  
  
“It’s only natural.” That had come out like an attempt to defend himself. He tried again, aiming for the gravity of an elder imparting wisdom on the younger. “Kakashi, we are not tender green buds anymore; we have bloomed into fine men…“  
  
Despite the disturbed expression on his rival’s face, Gai soldiered on bravely.  
  
“… and as such we have to think about the future, Not just our future but the future of Konoha. I mean…” He paused. There were aspects to this topic that he didn’t really want to address, but… this was his friend he was talking to. Shouldn’t they be able to talk about everything? “…I’m already older than the Fourth was when he became a father …”  
  
“So you want children…” There seemed to be no end to Kakashi’s distress now.  
  
“Don’t you?” belatedly, Gai realized that they’d never talked about this. Few shinobi did, actually. Especially jounin. Planning ahead, beyond the next mission, it seemed like conjuring bad luck.  
  
“Not really.” Kakashi averted his eye, glancing out of the window at the sinking sun. “I don’t think I’d make a good father. Just look at my team…”

  
If Gai was honest with himself, he wasn’t really surprised. He couldn’t imagine Kakashi with children, but still… Seeing Kakashi honestly sad was rare, he usually covered his emotions up as routinely as he put on his mask in the morning – that was if he had bothered to take it off the night before. The knowledge that Kakashi would let his guard down a little with him because they trusted each other that much touched Gai deeply. Again he had to hold himself back from grabbing his rival and pulling him into a manly and comforting hug. “Kakashi…,“ he said instead, hoping the other man could see how much the moment meant to him.  
  
“Plus, I’m not one for commitment.” And it was gone, Kakashi had shifted back to wry humor; he wouldn’t mention his team again. It was always like this, the moment Kakashi let you catch a glimpse of _something_ \- which only happened every few years – he shut down, changing the topic for good.  
  
Gai shook his head, more in frustration than anything else. “You just haven’t found the right person yet,” he said, but even to his own ears the words sounded hollow.  
  
He could feel the words just bounce right off Kakashi, too. So they sat in silence for a while, listening to the cries of cicadas and looking out the window into the small garden.  
  
The whole day long the sky had been so bright and cloudless that, if you looked at it for too long, its neon imprint would be burned into your retina, now, though, it was gradually getting darker, the light bleeding from the room.  
  
He’d made a mistake, he realized, he wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night, now that he’d taken that afternoon nap and Kakashi was about to turn in. He was probably exhausted, sitting there in his usual slump, rubbing his cloth covered left eye for a moment before reaching behind his head to untie the headband and take it off.

  
“The right person, hm?” Kakashi said absentmindedly as he folded the cloth. “Like your Kyoko-n?”  
  
He said it in such a way that Gai was not sure whether the word had ended properly or if Kakashi had in fact added a little nasal “n” at the end there, disguised as a harmless interrogative sound that did not mutilate the name.

Gai narrowed his eyes in a hopefully intimidating manner that would tell Kakashi he was onto him and that Kakashi had better watch himself, however, the effect was somewhat ruined by his inability to come up with an answer.  
  
“Sure!” he said after a moment’s hesitation, simply because he couldn’t think of anything better. “I don’t understand why you don’t like her. If only you had dropped your cool attitude for a moment and really got to know her…”  
  
“She might be _my_ girlfriend now?”  
  
Gai slammed his hand down on the table. “Stop teasing me!”  
  
“Why? Are you jealous?” Kakashi’s eye narrowed, honing in on Gai as if he had a target painted on his forehead.  
  
“I…I…”  
  
“Don’t worry, I don’t want her. She’s not my type.” And just as quickly he let Gai off the hook with a smile and a little dismissive gesture; it was infuriating.  
  
“Stop pushing me.” Gai kept his voice low and level this time, hoping Kakashi would get the message.  
No such luck.  
  
Kakashi just stared right into his eyes like one dog challenging another.  
  
“Or what?”  
  
“We can go outside and settle this like men.” He half-wished Kakashi would agree and half-dreaded such an outcome. It felt too serious tonight, like they were teetering on the very edge of friendship. Like their relationship could just flip over into something completely different any second. It used to be like this back when they were kids, when Kakashi was still an arrogant brat.  
  
“No, we can’t. We’re still on a mission and I’m still in charge of you.” Kakashi’d said it easily, stating the facts like that was what they were. Well, they were in a way, but Kakashi chickening out on him and pulling rank of all things was completely unacceptable. Gai felt his face heating up from his sudden agitation.  
  
“You’re not in charge of me! We have the same rank! And the mission is complete!” He burst out, words almost getting jumbled.  
  
Kakashi shook his head like a mildly disappointed teacher who’d allowed himself to hope despite knowing that his student was hopeless. “Officially, the mission isn’t over until we’re back in Konoha. And I’m team leader.”  
  
But only because one of them had to be appointed leader. The choice was arbitrary with two jounin, everyone knew that.  
  
“It’s a formality.”  
  
“Is it?” Kakashi cocked his head, feigning curiosity. “Because you were supposed to follow my lead and you didn’t.”  
  
And? Gai had effortlessly wiped the floor with their enemies. Kakashi didn’t even have to lift a finger. Wait a minute…  
  
“So that’s it. You’re angry that I stole your thunder.” Gai chuckled, satisfied with himself. Kakashi couldn’t hide anything from him. He could see right through his rival’s cool exterior into his soft and squishy and apparently wounded ego.  
  
“You’re a moron,” Kakashi said.  
  
That was it! Gai would not take this anymore!  
  
With a very manly roar, Gai lunged over the table and grabbed the front of Kakashi’s sweatshirt, pulling him closer until they were almost nose to nose.  
  
“You will apologize to Kyoko-san when we get back and you’ll apologize to me now,” he said, his voice low and fairly menacing.  
  
“ _Do_ you love her?” Kakashi’s eye, so close to his own, was full of emotions Gai couldn’t comprehend. “So much that you would hurt me for her sake, Gai-kun?”

“I’m not _really_ hurting you right now,” Gai shot back – although he was a little worried and loosened his grip a fraction, just to make sure. “You can take much more than this.”  
  
“I know but it still hurts a little,” Kakashi said conversationally.  
  
He let go then, annoyed with his own inability to stand up to Kakashi once and for all. True, maybe the Kyoko-thing wasn’t worth getting into a serious fight – especially since the relationship was probably over, but that didn’t mean he could let Kakashi get away with _everything_. He did that far too often.  
  
Gai turned his back on the other jounin and went over to his futon. This conversation was over. He’d lie down and even if he probably wouldn’t be able to go to sleep for a while, he wouldn’t acknowledge Kakashi’s existence for the rest of the night.  
  
He had just settled down and was arranging his blanket when Kakashi spoke up behind him.  
  
“It’s weird when you think you might be losing someone to somebody else, don’t you think?”  
  
Gai grunted and pulled his blanket up to his chest. He was not going to be dragged into another argument tonight.  
  
Kakashi, though, ever self-centered, continued absentmindedly as if he had forgotten Gai was in the room with him, his voice tinged with regret.  
  
“Except that I was wrong. I’ll never lose this person to someone else.” He paused. Although he had his back to Kakashi, Gai could picture his rival clearly, sitting there hunched over the table, so sad that even his hair seemed to droop a little under the weight on his shoulders. “But still…I can’t have them.”  
  
It was a miracle, Gai thought. Sound waves hitting his eardrums, the vibration being transmitted by the tiny bones in his ear and the signal traveling all the way to his brain, where suddenly _everything_ made perfect sense. He was on his feet; the blanket he’d tossed aside sailed through the air, hit the wall with a loud slapping sound and finally crashed to the floor, taking a formerly hung picture with it.  
  
Gai barely even noticed. He was back at the table in one energetic leap.  
  
“Kakashi… You’re… you’re in love! Flames of desire have finally thawed your heart, rival!” He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry until he realized that he was already sort of doing both.  
  
“You say that like it’s a good thing,” Kakashi said, eyeing him warily as if he was preparing himself for flight.  
  
Gai kneeled down on his zabuton and leaned over the table, a tacit acknowledgement of the intimacy of the moment.  
  
Kakashi hadn’t denied it. So it was true…  
  
Kakashi in love. He couldn’t really believe it. Kakashi with his cool exterior and laid-back attitude… Gai couldn’t picture him pining for somebody, desiring somebody. In a way, it was almost disappointing. He’d liked Kakashi’s elusiveness, the idea that nobody could get really close to him – except for Gai himself, of course.  
  
He felt a little prick of jealousy at the thought of having to share that with another person, he had to admit. He didn’t know much about Kakashi’s love life, but so far there had never been anyone who he’d been serious about. At least he’d never mentioned anyone to Gai. Kakashi had always been discreet. Some might even say secretive.  
But here he was now, about to open up to his beloved rival and best friend!  
  
“So?” Gai prompted when Kakashi failed to react.

“What?”  
  
He almost burst then and there. “Tell me everything!”  
  
“There’s nothing to tell.” Kakashi sighed, and Gai wished he’d taken the time to switch on the light. It was almost completely dark outside now, and the parts of Kakashi’s face that weren’t covered by cloth were covered in darkness. “I already said I can’t have them.”  
  
“Why? Have you asked her out? Has she rejected you?” It was probably a rather shameful thing to admit, but Gai secretly hoped the latter was the case. He couldn’t really imagine Kakashi with a broken heart, but if the flames of love truly had scorched him, Gai wanted to offer him a shoulder to cry on. It would bring them so much closer!  
  
Instead of pouring his heart out, though, Kakashi went very still and pensive for a moment as if he had to make an important decision. When he spoke up, it was so sudden that he practically made Gai jump.  
  
“When you love someone you want to protect them, right?”  
  
“Of course!” Gai couldn’t for the life of him fathom how that was even a question worth asking.  
  
“And since you’re a shinobi of Konoha, you also have a duty to protect the village.”  
  
He looked at Kakashi’s serious expression and tried to figure out where this was going, but as usual, Kakashi’s – barely visible - face was an emotional blank slate. So he decided to just keep going for now.  
“True, but unless she is an enemy I can do both at the same time! It’s easy.” Gai flashed Kakashi an encouraging smile. The thumbs-up he saved for later.  
  
“Maybe, then again, you would give your life to protect your comrades, and if your special person is a ninja, so would they. They have to go on missions and they have to fight, just like you. And if they had to choose between abandoning the fight just to get back to you and staying and dying for the mission and their comrades, they wouldn’t choose you – at least if they’re worth anything – and you know that.”  
  
Gai shrugged, a rare gesture for him, but what was there to say?  
“It’s the way of a true shinobi. Besides, you’re the same. Me too.” And, because he could, he added, gravely, “we’re the same.” Saying it out loud felt even better than thinking it had.  
  
Kakashi, however, simply shook his head. “I don’t know. I used to think that, at some point, if there was peace, when I’m old, I’d like to retire and settle down with someone. If I live that long, that is.”  
  
“Really? I could never stop being a shinobi! Even after I have a wife and kids, I still want to take missions and become stronger! I won’t have the younger generation leaving me in the dust!”  
  
“Exactly,” Kakashi said. He paused then, frowning. “Anyway, I owe you an apology. I was jealous, but you made me realize that there is no point. We are what we are, nothing will change that. “

And with that Kakashi simply stood up, walked past him and busied himself with preparing his futon, ignoring Gai’s stammered objections.  
Gai couldn’t do anything but watch helplessly as Kakashi pulled off his sweater and got under the covers.  
  
“Then we’ll have continue this conversation tomorrow,” he said to his rival, who didn’t react – as if that would make anyone believe he was asleep already. Well, two could play that game.  
  
“I’m going to bed, too,” Gai announced.  
  
No reaction.  
  
On all fours, he crawled over and disentangled his blanket from the debris of the framed picture he’d destroyed. He made a mental note to apologize and pay for it in the morning. Then he lay down on his own futon. And stared at the ceiling.  
  
He twiddled his thumbs, turning this way and that, listening to Kakashi’s soft, regular breathing for a while, but he couldn’t go to sleep. His mind kept going back to that one big question, who was Kakashi’s most precious person? And – more importantly – how could he help his rival in his emotional turmoil?  
  
“I still think you should ask her out,” he finally said into the darkness, hoping that Kakashi wasn’t really asleep. “Yes, there might be pain in the future, but there might also be pleasure, and if you don’t at least give it a try, you will always wonder what might have been.” That was good advice! Kakashi could consider himself lucky to have a friend who cared about his happiness.  
  
No reaction.  
  
Gai frowned at the ceiling. No, Kakashi couldn’t be asleep; they’d only gone to bed a mere ten minutes ago. Clearly, he was pretending in order to weasel his way out of the conversation and keep his tender feelings locked up for the rest of his life. Gai could not allow this!  
  
“We’re both in the prime of our manhood, Kakashi! We have to do our best to enjoy it to its fullest!” This he said as loudly as he could allow himself considering the time of night and the other people at the inn.  
  
As he had expected, there was a soft rustling sound from Kakashi’s direction, the sound of someone pulling a blanket over his head.  
  
“Please don’t talk about your manhood.” His rival’s voice was muffled by layers of fabric, but still audible. Gai grinned triumphantly.  
  
“Aha! You _are_ still awake! I knew it!”  
  
“There’s nothing more to say on the topic, so let it go and go to sleep.” Now Kakashi sounded slightly annoyed. Gai, though, was not that easily deterred. He knew he had his rival’s ear, which meant he had a responsibility to accomplish his mission.  
  
“You’ll live a life full of regrets!” He half whispered, half shouted emphatically.  
  
In response, Kakashi mumbled something unintelligible into his blanket.  
  
“You’ll die a virgin!”  
  
A snort.  
  
Okay, he had been reaching with that one. Gai thought hard. Maybe he was looking at this from the wrong perspective. He had to consider the person Kakashi was in love with…  
  
Gai blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “She’ll never know you loved her.” Inspired, he tried to pursue this shiny new argument.  
“It’s not fair; you’re not only depriving yourself of potential happiness, but her as well.”  
  
He let that piece of deep wisdom just hang in the room for a weighty moment.  
  
Kakashi sighed.  
  
“You aren’t going to let this go, are you, Gai?” This time he really sounded tired, which meant that Gai had finally worn him down. Persistence would win this fight!

“No! Never!”  
  
“Fine,” Kakashi said. “I already told you why I don’t want to date a fellow ninja, but if you need another explanation…You’re my friend and I trust you, so I’ll tell you.”  
  
As if on cue, Gai’s eyes started to burn.  
  
“You know, my parents were happy together. I barely remember that time, I was too young, but… they were.” Kakashi gave that a moment to sink in. So far, it seemed like an argument in Gai’s favor.  
  
“ Still, they were shinobi. I remember the first time I saw my mother leaving for a mission, I cried and begged her not to go until my parents sat me down and talked to me about duty. I didn’t really understand it back then, but I stopped crying to make them proud.”  
  
Gai felt a growing lump in his throat. This… Kakashi had probably never shared this memory with anyone before…  
  
“I didn’t cry when she left for her last mission, and Dad never said he should have stopped her or anything like that because it didn’t work that way. Still, he never really recovered from her death, and, well, you know the rest,” Kakashi finished up in a rush, his voice not really showing much emotion, but sounding a bit… off somehow, like he was surprised by his own words.  
  
At this point, Gai had shoved a fistful of his blanket into his mouth just to muffle his sobs. Normally he would be man enough to show his true feelings, but right now he was afraid Kakashi would stop confiding in him if he heard he was crying. And he really didn’t want him to stop because this was one of the happiest moments of his life, a bitter-sweet one, but still. He wished it would never stop.  
  
Kakashi took a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t want to be someone’s second choice again. I know it’s hypocritical since I’m a shinobi, too, but --” He stopped suddenly in mid-sentence. Desperate, Gai tried to keep the sobs in by covering both his mouth and his nose.  
  
“Why do you sound like you’re suffocating?”  
  
Gai coughed and sputtered. His fingers were covered in snot and tears; he wiped them on the covers, then cringed when he thought of the poor maid who’d have to clean up after him. He’d have to leave extra tips.  
  
“It’s nothing!” he choked out. “Please, continue!”  
  
“That… was it, actually.” He could practically hear Kakashi’s frown. “Why exactly do you care about this anyway? Why are you so keen on me dating? Tired of your eternal rival?” Gai thought the last question had a bit of an edge to it, barely noticeable because of Kakashi’s faux-jovial tone, but still there.  
  
Either way, mere question was enough to make Gai gasp. “What?! No! I… I just want you to be happy.” And he did. Whatever that would take, he did want his rival to be happy and he also secretly wanted to be a little responsible for that happiness. “Lately it seems like you’re not yourself – not that you’re ever as full of positive energy and untamable power as me – but you _have been_ ruder and more evasive than usual.”  
  
“Well, thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome! I just… I want you to know that you’re not my second choice – not that you really were that for your parents, and you probably know that, too – anyway, you’re my one and only eternal rival, for as long as I live!” Had they still been sitting at the table Gai would have made that promise in full Nice Guy Pose and he feared that, said while lying on his futon in the dark, it lost some of its impressiveness, no matter how much sincerity he tried to inject into his voice.

“Right.” Kakashi sounded somewhat disappointingly unimpressed. “Now that that’s settled, will you please let me get some sleep?”  
  
Hearing Kakashi’s voice sound so dejected –for no discernible reason, since Gai had just renewed his promise of eternal friendship –did pull at his heartstrings. It conjured up the image of that lonely little boy, and although Gai had known that very same boy to be a bit of an arrogant snob back in the day, he still felt… He wanted to comfort Kakashi.  
  
“I mean it!” he shouted, not caring who he might wake up.  
  
“Whatever,” Kakashi mumbled. “Remind me to get us separate rooms next time.”  
  
Ouch.  
  
“Why do you have to be like this? This was a touching moment! A wonderful milestone for our friendship! Why do you have to ruin it by being so… so… _you_?”  
  
“I think you just answered your own question there,” Kakashi drawled. “And how exactly is this a milestone? Nothing changed. You just made another hasty, meaningless promise.”  
  
Hearing Kakashi say that felt like a stab to the heart. The shock actually made Gai sit up in bed.  
  
“Is that what you think about me? That my word is meaningless?” He couldn’t keep a certain shrill note from entering his voice.  
  
“Gai, you’ve got a team, remember? You’re a jounin. If I told you to give up all of that just because I didn’t want you to risk your life all day, would you do it?”  
  
“No! But you’d never ask that me to do that, why would you? We’re a team! You need me! You’d be helpless without me!”  
  
“I think that’s going a bit too far, actually.” Kakashi sighed. “Anyway, I know you’re strong; I know you can take care of yourself, but I also know that you’re reckless and impulsive--“  
  
A little offended, though he couldn’t really deny that his rival had a point, Gai opened his mouth to protest, but didn’t get past the first syllable before Kakashi cut him off.  
  
“No, Gai, let me finish. I know you’re strong, which is why I know that if you run into someone you can’t beat, I probably won’t be able to protect you either.”  
  
Gai smiled softly to himself, Kakashi cared about him! He wished he had a diary so he could write about this moment and preserve it for eternity. Since he didn’t have that option right then, he decided to simply put all his heart into a deep and meaningful answer.

“You don’t have to protect me,” he began gravely, “if I ever get in trouble, I know you’ll come and we’ll beat whatever it is _together_.” By the end of the sentence, tears were welling up in his eyes, mirroring the emotion that welled up in his heart.  
  
Naturally, Kakashi had to destroy the moment.  
  
“Unless I’m on a different mission and or in a different country,” he deadpanned cruelly, the verbal equivalent of a foot stomping on blooming flowers.  
  
“Why do you have to be so negative?” Gai practically wailed, only to be interrupted by a loud thump on the wall and an exclamation that sounded suspiciously like “Shut up!” from the next room.  
  
Kakashi groaned. “I don’t know,” he said. “Forget it. Go to sleep.”  
  
This was definitely not the note Gai wanted the conversation to end on, still he settled down grudgingly and stared at the ceiling some more. If Kakashi wanted to see only the dark side of things, there wasn’t much he could do to change his attitude, no matter how much he hated it. Life could be cruel and unfair, everybody knew that, but what reason was there to go on if you had no hope in the first place?

  
Talking to his rival could be so depressing. Hatake Kakashi certainly was a genius when it came to crushing youthful spirits.  
  
Gai wasn’t someone who gave up easily, though, and he certainly wouldn’t let that gloomy sentiment be the last one expressed tonight.

  
When he thought about it, it was only natural that Kakashi was the pessimistic, anxious type. He must still feel like his father abandoned him, Gai thought, nodding to himself in the darkness. And because he had been hurt like that when he was at a young, impressionable age, Kakashi’s reluctance to develop meaningful relationships with others was only the logical outcome.  
  
If Gai was completely honest with himself, he had to admit that even he could not change Kakashi’s outlook on life in one night, but he could at least try to make a difference, even if it was only a small one. You had to start somewhere, right?  
  
This situation called for a heartfelt speech! Gai closed his eyes and focused on what he wanted to convey. He’d have to avoid exaggerations this time since otherwise Kakashi would just shoot him down with logic again and, most importantly, his words would have to be honest and true expressions of his feelings.  
  
He took a deep breath.  
  
“I can’t promise you I’ll always be there, I know that,” he began tentatively, feeling his way forward like a blind man. “And I can’t promise you I won’t fight to the bitter end to protect what’s important to me,” so far, there had been no sound from Kakashi, no acknowledgement whatsoever that he was listening. Gai soldiered on regardless, this was the important part. “But that doesn’t mean that you’re not important to me and that I don’t fight to get back to you, too, because I _do_.” That had been a deeply touching line, Gai himself was starting to tear up again.  
  
“After all,” he added, “I still have to defeat you in so many competitions we haven’t had yet, like fishing and dancing and--”  
  
And he could feel someone’s breath on his face. Gai’s eyes snapped open to see Kakashi’s face, unmasked and more handsome than he remembered it, almost nose to nose with his.  
  
The first thought that went through his mind was that one had to admire his rival’s talent for stealth.  
The second one was smothered by the sensation of Kakashi’s lips pressing against his.

Gai found himself staring at Kakashi’s eyes, both closed, even the regular one. He was overwhelmed by the situation, unable to comprehend what was going on. Kakashi’s lips were moving almost imperceptivity, brushing his, withdrawing, then pressing in again. Worried but hopeful, one hand creeping onto Gai’s shoulder hesitantly like a shy animal.

Gai dared not move or breathe.

When Kakashi finally pulled back, only slightly, reluctantly, in a movement that barely even deserved to be called “pulling back”, since no actual pulling seemed to happen, just a breaking of contact that seemed fleeting even to Gai himself and like a pause, not an end,  what with Kakashi still _right there_ , his breath dancing across Gai’s lips.

“What—“ Gai tried, although he had no plan for the rest of the question. All coherent thoughts had fled his mind like cowardly thugs, leaving only a crude graffiti of _How, What_ and _Why_ behind.

Suddenly, salty skin on his lips.

Kakashi’s index finger fit just into the space between their lips. Light pressure that was transmitted through his body like a coded message he couldn’t quite translate. All he knew was that it made his stomach do a little flip. Gai gasped.

“Don’t,” Kakashi’s voice was so soft it was barely audible; more than he heard it, he felt it, felt it on the paper-thin skin of his lips under which his blood was soaring.  “Unless you want me to stop?”

Slashed by a slim shaft of silver light falling through the window and unmasked, Kakashi’s face had lost almost everything that made it familiar to Gai. It was a stranger’s face, and that look of carefully suppressed anxiety belonged to no one Gai knew.

 “I—“

Kakashi increased the pressure on his lips to shush him again.

“Do you want me to stop? Yes or no?” He spoke in a soft rush as if he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. His hand tightened on Gai’s shoulder, squeezing it hard enough to leave an imprint of his fingers, Gai thought. He felt the strength of that grip and the desperation of it. A drowning man’s grip on a piece of driftwood.

Gai wanted to tell Kakashi that he didn’t know, but realized that it would probably be taken as a yes. And he didn’t really want him to stop, didn’t want Kakashi to stop looking at him like that, like he was afraid that _Gai_ would reject _him_. 

How could Gai reject Kakashi? All he wanted in that moment was to wipe that look off Kakashi’s face.

Not trusting himself to speak, Gai shook his head, just once.

To his surprise, some tension visibly eased out of Kakashi’s body. His edges seemed to soften like he was moving out of focus and Gai allowed himself to reach out and touch him in response, to wrap one hand around the back of Kakashi’s neck and hold his pulse in the palm of his hand, as if to keep him from fading away.

He had expected Kakashi to sag against him so he could pull him into a full hug, but Kakashi let go of his shoulder and pulled away after only a few seconds. He sat back on his knees, pulling his top over his head in one quick and efficient movement, exposing his pale chest.

Kakashi dropped the dark shirt without a second glance and lifted the edge of Gai’s blanket. His head bowed, eye obscured by the fall of his silver hair, he slipped under the covers with an air of furtiveness like a thief slipping into a house through a window left carelessly unlocked.

The moment their bare legs brushed, the tiny hairs catching, Gai shifted automatically to make room. Kakashi, however, caught him mid-motion by throwing his arm around his waist, reeling him back into his personal space in an almost violent manner.

As their lips clashed for the second time, Gai felt all his illusions about him being nothing but a source of comfort and this being nothing but Kakashi trying to express his feelings in a clumsy but mostly innocent manner being crushed under the weight of the man himself, who rolled on top of him and worked his thigh between Gai’s legs, all in the space of one heartbeat.

“I want you,” Kakashi whispered into his ear, then dragged his lips across Gai’s hot cheek back to his mouth, leaving a damp trail.

 _What are you doing? What about your crush?_ he wanted to ask, but Kakashi was kissing him again,  hot and hard and desperate, which reminded him…

_“Maybe I don’t want to be in love with someone who constantly takes the most dangerous missions, who tears open their own body almost every time they fight, someone whose strongest jutsu is basically suicide. It may annoy me to see them dating other people, but it in the end it won’t matter because they will get themselves killed… It makes me want to lock them up somewhere.”_

_Oh._

“Kakashi…” he murmured against his rival’s lips. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He could feel Kakashi’s chest moving against his own as the other man drew in a sharp breath, his fingers sliding out of Gai’s hair and finding purchase on his collarbone. Kakashi pushed himself up enough to look into Gai’s eyes.

Seeing him like that, so open and vulnerable for once, Gai couldn’t help himself; he cupped Kakashi’s cheek and traced the scar over his closed left eye with his thumb. He’d always secretly wondered what it would feel like. The scarred skin was raised slightly, its texture even smoother than the rest of Kakashi’s eyelid. Gai gently brushed his thumb along its length, almost to the corner of his rival’s mouth.

“No more talking,” Kakashi murmured, “either push me away… or don’t.”

The note of warning Gai detected in his voice and saw reflected in his wide, dark pupil only made his heart rate pick up. He was excited and aroused by _Kakashi’s_ body, whose warm weight rested fully on him. 

And Kakashi wasn’t beautiful, he wasn’t pretty. Half of his ghostly pale face was obscured by that unruly mop of spiky silver hair and what Gai could see of the rest of him, his shoulders, chest and arms, was all sharp angles and wiry muscle.  There was nothing soft or particularly inviting about his body, and yet Gai couldn’t help wanting to touch him.

 It was the unguarded need in his eye, the hope he was obviously trying to keep in check, the challenge in his words – _push me away_ \- the sheen of sweat on his upper lip, the way his fingers dug into Gai’s shoulder…

 Gai was afraid for their rivalry. He didn’t want to lose what they – mostly he – had built. He had fought so hard to become Kakashi’s friend…  He knew Kakashi didn’t keep lovers around. Going from friend to lover would be a great demotion. And yet…

At least Kakashi looked afraid, too.

Instinctively, Gai wrapped his arms around Kakashi, pulling him down and flush against himself, cheek to cheek, into a tight embrace.

He could hear Kakashi’s rapid breathing and thought he could even feel the other man’s heartbeat against his chest for a second before Kakashi began to struggle in his arms and pushed himself up enough to kiss Gai on the mouth.

This time Gai did return the kiss, tentatively, letting Kakashi take the lead. He’d never – actively –kissed another man before, but by now the feel of Kakashi’s somewhat too narrow, too hard lips wasn’t all that unfamiliar anymore.

He had thought he knew what to expect, but when he allowed his own lips to part under Kakashi’s, he was surprised by the hunger and ferocity of the kiss. He’d figured Kakashi would be soft and teasing but he was nothing of the sort. Kakashi was like a man who’d finally arrived at an oasis after crossing a dessert without a drop of water.  His tongue breached the supple barrier of Gai’s lips without hesitation, snaking into Gai’s mouth.

Distracted by the slide of their tongues, the way Kakashi would seek him out, then withdraw to suck on his lower lip instead, then dip in again, hot and moist, Gai barely had time to register anything else, barely had the mind to think about suddenly very abstract concepts like friendship and consequences.

Instead he shivered under the touch of Kakashi’s eager and surprisingly soft hands, one of which was burying itself in his hair while the other had found a way between their bodies and was slowly moving south, leaving a hot trail of desire in its wake, distinct like splotches of finger-paint. 

Gai’s ears were filled with the pulsing sound of blood rushing through his veins, punctuated only by Kakashi’s ragged breaths.  And Kakashi was panting like he was running a race or being chased, where their bodies pressed together, Gai could feel the dampness of his skin.

He felt like he should stop this before it would go too far and there would be no turning back. For the sake of the rivalry, he thought. Except that thinking was hard to do with Kakashi’s nimble fingers finding their way into his briefs, with their calloused pads brushing the tip of his erection.

And he _was_ hard like a rock although it was _Kakashi_ he was in bed with, and how many times had they slept next to each other, less than a hand’s breadth between them, and seen each other naked? A hundred times? A thousand?

Gai hadn’t kept count; he’d never seen his rival’s body as anything but a sort of measure stick to compare himself with.  When they were kids he’d constantly made sure that he was taller than Kakashi, that he’d get broader shoulders and more muscle mass than the younger boy. 

These weren’t things that concerned him now, though, now that Kakashi’s pale and strangely alluring body was on top of him, his warm weight resting on Gai and Gai could feel those strong, slender fingers slowly, very slowly, close around his erection.

He gasped helplessly against Kakashi’s lips that seemed to catch his breath and pressed down onto his more firmly again in reply.  It was amazing how the seductive slide of Kakashi’s tongue against his perfectly echoed the movements of his hand.

Gai’s own grip on Kakashi tightened as if to urge his rival to do the same, _please_ , _faster,_ but Kakashi barely reacted, just shifted a little until Gai could distinctly feel first the scrape of fabric and then the firm, hot pressure of Kakashi’s own hard-on against his thigh.

He was surprised to experience a heady, pulsing rush of excitement in response to that, to the proof that Kakashi was turned on this much by _him._ Him and no one else, he found himself thinking, wanting to lose himself for a moment in the illusion that he was the first to do this to Kakashi, that no one else would ever be able to do that again.

Kakashi squeezed, making Gai’s hips buck right off the futon, jostling Kakashi who had the sense and reflexes to hold on tight, creating friction so sweet, it left both of them breathless for a second.  Gai recovered more quickly and used that opening to pull Kakashi against him hard, aligning his body properly, so _finally_ he got to feel Kakashi’s arousal right where he wanted it.

Kakashi’s hand was a loose fist around his cock, sandwiched awkwardly between their bodies.  With his other he tried to get some leverage on Gai, tried to push himself up and to pull away. Gai was having none of that. He braced one foot on the floor and, with one quick twist, rolled them over, Kakashi hitting the futon with a yelp.

“Point for me,” Gai murmured into his rival’s ear, unable to keep the grin off his face.  In a way, he’d needed to do this, to establish the fact that nothing would change.

Surprisingly, Kakashi went slack in his arms; he withdrew, physically – by drawing his hand out of Gai’s underwear, much to his disappointment, and, or so Gai feared, emotionally as well.

Now that he was on top and Kakashi was lying beneath him, looking up at him impassively, expression carefully guarded, all Gai wanted was to drink in the sight of him. He pulled away just enough to get a better look.

He’d never seen Kakashi in this state before; he’d seen him disheveled, flushed and panting; he’d seen Kakashi in pain, worried and exhausted, but never aroused. Never like this.

Gai’s gaze was drawn to the obvious bulge in Kakashi’s dark blue boxers. To his own slight amazement, he wanted to touch it, wanted to feel it in his hand, against his skin.

The mere thought made his own erection throb once, almost painfully, and brought on a blush of embarrassment that, luckily, wouldn’t be visible on his already flushed face, but still…

Gai looked away, let his gaze travel further up Kakashi’s body to his rival’s stomach which rose and fell gently with every one of his breaths. There he could just about make out the slim silver line of an old scar, a long one that went from Kakashi's navel all the way up to his chest.

Gai remembered the day Kakashi had got it. He’d been there when the pale expanse of skin had been torn open, turned into a gaping, bleeding wound. He’d been the one who had applied pressure to the wound, had kept the bulging guts from falling out with his bare hands.

He’d touched Kakashi’s slippery, soft insides, and it had barely left a mark on him. As if to assure himself of that fact, of Kakashi’s wholeness, he dipped down and pressed his lips against the scar, traced it all the way up with his mouth, tasting the salt on Kakashi’s skin.

Gai wasn’t too surprised when Kakashi’s hands settled on his head, slipped into his hair. He expected to be pushed back down, to be nudged gently into the right direction, but Kakashi pulled him up instead, into a warm and tender kiss that felt almost like an expression of gratitude.

When they broke the kiss, Kakashi looked at him, long and searchingly, his single dark eye troubled.

“What do you want?” he asked Gai.

Gai didn’t even have to think about his answer.

“Everything,” he said, “with you.”

Kakashi took a deep breath, not a happy, joyful one, Gai noted, but a bracing, shivery one. It made him feel a little less sure of himself and the situation.

“Do you trust me?” Kakashi asked in a very serious manner, as if they were about to discuss a risky battle strategy. Still, the question was unnecessary in Gai’s opinion; he couldn’t remember a single moment in his life in which his answer would not have been _yes_.

 “Always,” he replied, putting all his heart into it.

To his surprise, Kakashi didn’t answer or, as he realized he’d hoped, kiss him. Instead he cupped Gai’s cheek and traced his lower lip with his thumb, looking up at Gai’s face with an expression that was like a straightjacket around Gai’s heart.

He wanted to kiss him then, but Kakashi gently pushed him away and slid out from under him as soon as Gai took some of his weight off him.

The thin, rectangular strip of moonlight slipped off Kakashi’s body like a white blanket as he slipped away into the darkness of the room, where Gai soon heard him rummaging through one of their backpacks.

Gai shivered a little, the night air cool on his bare chest and legs now that he didn’t have Kakashi’s body heat to warm him anymore. He wondered if he should go ahead and take off his briefs while he waited, to save time, but decided against it in the end, thinking that maybe Kakashi wanted to do it for him, that it might be sexier that way.

Then his mind boggled a little at the combination of the words _Kakashi_ and _sexier_.  What if this was a mistake after all? What if --?

Kakashi emerged from the darkness, a small tube in one hand.

He looked almost translucent, unreal and untouchable. The fall of his hair close to completely obscuring the left side of his face; the shadow it cast did the rest.

Gai sat up just as Kakashi dropped to his knees.

There they were, eye to eye, just looking at each other in this very strange situation.

Gai sensed that if he let the moment stretch, if he let his arousal wane any more, Kakashi would break off the whole thing. Then there’d be apologies and awkward silences. They’d have damaged their friendship for nothing. Cowardice always had that effect.

Once you’ve taken the mission, there’s no running, every shinobi knew that.

No running now, Gai thought and reached out.

He grabbed Kakashi, a little roughly maybe, a little desperately, if he was honest with himself, and pulled him into a kiss, thinking that it had been a mistake to let Kakashi slip away to get whatever he’d gotten. They should have just made do. Time to think things over had never improved anyone’s sex-life.

Kakashi kissed him back eagerly, and the heat of his mouth melted Gai’s doubts. It spread through his body indivertibly, like fire along a fuse.

Mid-kiss, Kakashi put his hands on Gai’s shoulders to give him a gentle push, guiding him back onto the futon.

When they broke apart, Kakashi brushed his lips from the corner of Gai’s mouth across his cheek to his ear and whispered, “Turn over.”

Gai did, despite the slight flutter of nerves he felt, despite the fact that this wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind for them. He’d wanted to wrap himself around Kakashi, to hold him tight and, most importantly to see his face, but he did trust Kakashi.

This much.

Lying on his stomach had the advantage of his own weight doing him the service of pressing his erection against the futon, which didn’t feel nearly as good as Kakashi’s warm body, but it was something at least.

He felt Kakashi’s presence behind him, but had no way of getting a proper look at his rival from this position. He was completely exposed while Kakashi was in the more powerful position. Gai found himself counting the vital spots he was leaving open to an attack right now and was surprised by the wave of excitement the thought triggered.  

“I know I can’t have you forever, but I want to have you tonight at least,” Kakashi murmured huskily against the back of Gai’s neck. The words lingered, remained painted on his skin, long after Kakashi had withdrawn to leave a soft trail of kisses down Gai’s spine until he arrived – not soon enough, and yet far too quickly – at the waistband of Gai’s briefs.

Kakashi planted one final kiss there, wetter and louder than the previous ones, then he put his hands on Gai’s hips and began to tug.

Oh so slowly, the fabric was pulled down. Gai should have seen this coming, this torture; Kakashi was the kind of person who opened presents by pulling off every last strip of adhesive tape, leaving the paper wrapping completely intact. Being forced to watch that always drove Gai nuts.

He wriggled and lifted his hips off the futon to help Kakashi out and speed up the process, not that his rival actually took the hint.

Kakashi took his time instead, the sensation of those hands and the fabric sliding against Gai’s skin transforming into a long, deliberate caress, good, but not as good as Kakashi’s hand settling on bare his buttock when he was _finally_ done.

Ever the pervert, Kakashi _squeezed-_ Gai felt the sensation reverberate through his body like aftershocks, but it was nothing compared to what he felt when Kakashi worked his thumb into the crack.

Gai hissed and bucked, his erection rubbing against the futon in a very pleasant manner, but one rough whisper from Kakashi, _“wait”_ , had an even greater effect than the actual feeling of friction.  

Kakashi’s voice sounded strange to his ears, more affected than usual, all aloofness gone. He sounded completely focused and _excited_.

Gai heard the little _snap_ of the tube being opened and surprised himself by tensing up involuntarily. He hadn’t minded Kakashi’s touch, but… But he was nervous now. Of all the moments to have second thoughts…

He closed his eyes and tried to relax while he listened to Kakashi squeezing whatever he had found – it smelled suspiciously like one of Shizune’s medical gel concoctions – into his hand.

Gai flinched when the cold substance hit his lower back, but Kakashi quickly spread it with those warm, strong hands of his, massaging some of Gai’s doubts away, too. They could do this, Gai told himself. They could do this and enjoy it and nothing would have to be destroyed; it would only make things better.

He looked back over his shoulder at Kakashi, whose head was lowered, whose fingers were starting to zero in on certain areas, trailing nonsense patterns down the back of his thighs, then dipping between his legs and up, till they brushed the back of his balls and sent jolts of pleasure right into his cock.

Gai gasped, collapsing back onto the pillow. Kakashi’s nimble fingers left him pliant and wanton, made him open his legs to allow further ministrations.

It was all the invitation Kakashi needed. A little awkwardly he half-climbed on top of Gai, straddling him, the velvety skin of his testicles brushing Gai’s thighs.

When he felt the first gentle probing _there_ , Gai drew in a sharp breath, but didn’t flinch. He’d known where this was going and he was willing to try it. As strange as it felt to be touched like this, as unused as he was to it, Gai wasn’t one to be afraid of new experience and the knowledge that it was _Kakashi_ who was doing this to him made him almost dizzy with arousal.

Hearing Kakashi’s own rapid breathing did the rest.

His body was tensing up, though, despite his best intentions, it fought the blunt pressure of Kakashi’s slippery finger, even as it slid inside.

Gai willed himself to relax, remembering the many meditation exercises sensei had forced him to do when he was still a Genin who couldn’t sit still for longer than a minute. Deliberately, he slowed his breathing and then almost burst out laughing as Kakashi pushed in deeper, and he suddenly found himself imagining the face sensei would make if he knew Gai was using those lessons for this particular purpose. He had never been in a situation as surreal as this one.

Thankfully, Kakashi didn’t seem to notice anything; he had added another finger and Gai felt them keenly; they felt a lot bigger than he knew they were, and not exactly all that arousing.

He lay there for the next few moments more or less wondering when it would become really good, and even tried pushing back once or twice, but every time Kakashi just put a stalling hand on his ass.

Then, suddenly, Kakashi withdrew his fingers.

Gai breathed in deeply, fighting the nervous flutter of his stomach. He’d lost some of his arousal; the frantic pounding of his heart at that moment was as much anxiety as it was excitement.

Under normal circumstances he wasn’t one to doubt himself, but this was completely new territory for him, and he knew very well that he was not the kind of person who excelled on his first try.

Kakashi stroked his back then, interrupting his thoughts with this newfound tenderness that Gai wasn’t quite used to yet.

They were on the threshold, Gai thought, at this point everything that had happened could still be explained away as experimenting, some youthful folly -- although even he knew that the two of them weren’t quite _that_ youthful anymore – still, a little fooling around, it didn’t have to mean anything.

If they continued, though…

Gai didn’t think he could do this, and then have things go back to the way they were before.

Maybe Kakashi had the same thought because he was hesitating. Gai could feel him loom over him, unsure of how to proceed. Whether to proceed at all.

Trusting his instincts, Gai half-turned to look over his shoulder again and reached out, more or less blindly. He found Kakashi’s hand – through sheer luck or with his rival’s help, he didn’t know – either way, he squeezed it, an approximation of their time-honored gesture for “We’re in this together.”

Kakashi squeezed back, making Gai smile, crushing the butterflies of nervousness, leaving only the flutter of excitement low in Gai’s belly.

They let go simultaneously, their hands slipping apart in a slow caress.

Gai closed his eyes and relaxed.

He felt one of Kakashi’s hands settle on the small of his back, then slide around to grab his hip while Kakashi’s thighs pressed against the back of his, then he felt the first tantalizing nudge of Kakashi’s erection.

Kakashi kept up a steady amount of gentle pressure, giving Gai’s body time to relax, all the while stroking Gai’s hip.

When it slid inside - only the first few centimeters before Kakashi paused and gasped in a way that made Gai’s whole body _tremble_ \- in that first moment, it felt impossibly big and hot.

Gai had expected pain, but it wasn’t exactly pain he felt. Discomfort, yes, but the discomfort was negligible in light of Kakashi’s reaction. His panting, the way his hand tightened on Gai’s hip, the way he withdrew a bit again, shakily, then pushed in deeper immediately as if he just couldn’t wait for more.

More of Gai, who was too overwhelmed by the thought to register most of his own reactions.

Kakashi pushed in deeply on his second stroke, hitting something inside Gai that sent a jolt of pure pleasure cursing through his body, making him groan into his pillow.

When Kakashi drew back, all he wanted was for him to push in harder, when he pushed, Gai was already craving the sensation of him sliding back out again. It was maddening.

He’d never been this passive during sex before; he’d never felt as completely _taken_ as he did now, as Kakashi rocked into him, stroke for stroke, making him pant and gasp.

At the height of every thrust, Gai’s own erection was pressed hard against the futon; short moments of stimulation that kept him on the edge without getting him closer to relief. He tensed up every time, tightening around Kakashi, feeling the intrusion, the heat of him, acutely, making Kakashi draw in a sharp breath, until, finally, he simply collapsed on top of Gai, the full lengths of their naked bodies pressed together.

Kakashi’s hot breath left invisible stains of dampness on the back of Gai’s neck, every little gasp of his so close to Gai’s ear that he couldn’t miss even the tiniest one.

Showing a little mercy for once, Kakashi did his best to work his arm under Gai, to touch his erection. He succeeded, more or less, his grip loose and awkward, uncoordinated. His ill-timed strokes and squeezes only added to Gai’s desperation, made him claw at the futon and groan.

Time was perceptible only in the space between the soft sounds falling from Kakashi’s lips, between the moments when his hands found a sweet spot on Gai’s body.

It was only after Kakashi moaned, “Gai” before sinking his teeth into Gai’s shoulder and biting down surprisingly hard, the pain seamlessly blending into the pleasure, adding to it, after Kakashi’s hips jerked once and Gai felt the tension melting out of his rival and pulse into him, that he could think again.

But only for a split second that was just enough to realize that he still needed _more,_ the very split second it took Kakashi to recover enough to take his weight off Gai, grab Gai's hips and flip him over in one almost violent motion.

Gai had no time to react; he was too woozy anyway. All he could do was stare at Kakashi as he scooted down Gai’s body, and, without a moment’s hesitation, took Gai’s erection into his mouth.

And that was really all it took. The mere sight of his dick slipping between those lips –

He came with an undignified whimper, barely even registering the moist heat of Kakashi’s mouth, the light scrape of teeth. Gai fell back onto his pillow and lay there, gasping and momentarily unable to process the events of the night.

Only after he had taken a moment to recover did he notice the ominous silence in the room, the lack of Kakashi in his arms,

Gai sat up abruptly and saw that Kakashi had already withdrawn to the edge of the futon. He was sitting back on his heels, still naked, but with a guarded expression on his face, the look in his eye distant and… pained.

_Regretful._

Gai opened his mouth, but all of a sudden his throat had gone so tight he didn’t think he’d be able to get a single word out. So he did the only thing he could; he lunged.

Kakashi was apparently too surprised to react to _that._

Gai caught his startled rival on the first try and pulled him onto the futon, ignoring the general stickiness of their bodies, and fished for the blanket that had ended up in a heap somewhere in the darkness next to them.

He wrapped them both up – not an easy feat with one less than enthusiastic party, but Gai persisted until Kakashi resigned himself to his fate. Gai still made sure to wrap himself even more tightly around Kakashi than the blanket, hoping it would keep the _look_ at bay for the night at least. There’d be time to talk in the morning.

“Go to sleep,” he murmured into Kakashi’s hair, stroking his rival’s tense back.

***

When he woke up the next morning, Kakashi was gone.

***

Gai had woken up to sunshine and birdsong, normally the perfect start of a Beautiful Day, except that he found himself looking at the empty spot next to him where Kakashi should have been sleeping.

“Kakashi?” he called tentatively although he already knew deep down that there would be no reply. Still, he hoped against hope. Maybe Kakashi had just gone to the bathroom? It _was_ a possibility.

But no, the room remained completely silent; only the cheerful chirping kept drifting in from outside. It felt like he was being mocked.

Kakashi had really left.

Gai breathed in deeply, taking a moment to come to terms with this new, if not entirely unexpected, development. He’d seen this coming hadn’t he?

In a way he had!

And what did that prove?

That he knew Kakashi better and was closer to him than anyone else!

He would not let this setback discourage him, he decided. Kakashi was an evasive person, someone who was hard to reach and apparently even harder to hold, but Maito Gai was not one to give up easily.

First of all, he’d have to catch up to his rival, which wouldn’t be too hard, considering that he definitely had better speed than Kakashi.

Tossing the blanket aside, he leapt to his feet in one powerful motion.. .and winced at the twinge of pain in his nether regions.

He was _sore._

Though not in any way he was used to. Years of pushing himself to the limit – and beyond – had given him a lot of bad morning-after experiences; aching muscles, stiffness, hairline fractures were among the minor ouches Gai routinely woke up with.

This was different.

 _Intimate_.

It reminded him of certain details from the night before, the kind of details that made his cheeks feel hot. What they had done… They’d crossed a line. And Kakashi had left him; he’d gone, just like that.

Gai shook his head; he didn’t want to think about the implications. He would go, find Kakashi, and then—

Well, that was a secondary problem.

He’d solve this situation step by step; there was no need to think about the details of step two before he had completed step one.

Resolved, Gai practically ran for the shower, having realized that there was no way he could go the way he was right now – sticky, scratchy and smelling of sweat and sex. He showered as quickly as possible, the whole time afraid he that was wasting too many precious minutes to be able to catch up with Kakashi before his rival reached Konoha, which was important to him although he couldn’t quite justify why exactly it mattered.

He did take a moment to inspect the already purpling bite-mark on his shoulder, however. Apparently, Kakashi had rather sharp teeth; he’d never noticed before. It hurt a little when he prodded it experimentally with one finger.

Apart from that, Kakashi had left no visible trace on his body.

Gai couldn’t linger, couldn’t even spend one more second to just to let himself feel what he was feeling, all the confusion, the happiness and now, of course, also that pang of disappointment and worry that tried to creep to into the foreground. He didn’t have the time. Kakashi was out there, somewhere, already putting distance between them.

He all but jumped into his spare spandex suit, then flitted around the room like an indecisive hummingbird, collecting his scattered belongings and stuffing them into his backpack carelessly before forcefully zipping the whole thing up, the seams creaking in protest.

As he had expected, Kakashi’s things were all gone, or almost all gone. He found the small, half-crushed tube of _something_ next to his futon. The mere sight was enough to send a shudder racing down his spine, memories of the previous night replaying before his mind’s eye.

Gai pulled himself together. There would be time for that kind of thing later. Not now. Now, he was on a mission.

He gave the room one last once over, his eyes lingering for a second on Kakashi’s rumpled half of the futon, then he tore himself away.

Downstairs he learned that Kakashi had _not_ paid anything before leaving.

_Of course._

It was fine, he told himself, a lesser man, someone who hadn’t known Kakashi as long and well as he, might have been hurt or infuriated by his actions, but Gai was Hatake Kakashi’s one and only Eternal Rival and he knew that Kakashi hadn’t meant anything by it.

Or at least Gai hoped so.

He treated the young innkeeper to his most youthful Nice Guy pose and paid up, tipping generously – he felt a little bad about the state of the room and hoped fervently that the staff would not be able to guess what kind of nighttime activities had taken place there. The thought alone made him blush, though, which earned him a coy look from the innkeeper.

Somewhat despite himself, he noted how pretty she was and recalled seeing her at the edge of his crowd of admirers the previous afternoon. Very clearly, he could see a certain path opening up in front of him, a choice he could make right here, right now. To prove... something.

But _no_ , he wouldn’t even allow the thought to fully cross his mind. It was despicable to use another person like that! To play with someone’s feelings and then what? Dump them like meaningless trash? Maito Gai was not that kind of selfish, vile person!

Angry with himself, Gai tore himself away and set off.

Running made him feel a little better. He could get lost in the repetitive, flawless movements of his own body, the wind in his hair, the sounds and smells of nature around him, the blurry beauty of landscape zipping past.

He could clear his head of all thought, hopping from branch to branch with an ease and precision he could pull off, even without paying much attention to what he was doing.

It was only when he actually spotted Kakashi, _walking_ like a man on a leisure stroll to see the countryside, that Gai realized he wasn’t all that keen on having this talk after all.

Kakashi had already sensed him, though, Gai could see it in the stiffening of his shoulders, the way he grabbed the strap of his backpack, the way he slowed down when Gai almost wished he’d run. A game of catch, that would be something familiar at least. This new game, he didn’t know how to play.

“Kakashi,” he called because he couldn’t think of anything else to do, and Kakashi actually stopped and turned around.

He looked good.

That was the first thing Gai thought, and his stomach did a little flip of agreement.  

Kakashi stood in front of him in his usual casual, somewhat slouchy pose, head cocked in unspoken question, his expression frustratingly unreadable.

“Yo, Gai,” he said as if they’d just happened upon each other unexpectedly.

“What are you doing?!” Gai felt like he was about to burst, this first exclamation was just the beginning, he knew. If he didn’t do some serious screaming, his head would explode.

Kakashi just shrugged nonchalantly. “Going to Konoha; it’s part of the mission. After completion return to –“

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it!” His chest felt tight. He hated the shrillness of his own voice. Everything was completely wrong. “Why didn’t you wake me?!”

“Well, since you easily caught up with me, there really was no need, was there?” Kakashi actually smiled.

Stumped by logic, Gai was momentarily left speechless. He looked at Kakashi, at his slender fingers, wrapped around the dark strap of the backpack. He thought about them touching him and what it had meant.

_Nothing._

For years now, Gai had thought of himself as nigh invulnerable. Of course, that was an exaggeration, he was actually injured quite often; it was only natural if you were a close range fighter and taijutsu specialist. But physical pain had very little effect on him. The kind of wounds that had others screaming and whimpering barely slowed him down anymore.

He’d gotten used to it. Once you’d opened the seventh gate and experienced the blinding agony that followed, nothing quite compared anymore.

So this moment, this realization came as a shock.

It _hurt._

He’d been rejected before, that wasn’t it.

He’d even been rejected by Kakashi before, so why did this feel so awful?

Gai found himself reeling, his knees weakening; he had to lean against a tree for support.

Because he didn’t know what else to do, he laughed. Awkwardly, his too loud Ha-Has tumbled from his lips and fell flat on the soft ground, where they would rot among half-decayed leaves.

“I thought,” he began, but aborted the irrelevant attempt to explain. It didn’t matter.

“Gai—“

He shook his head, held up his hand.

He was Konoha’s Blue Beast. Stronger, Faster and Tougher than anyone, including Hatake Kakashi.

There were times when you had to push through the pain and keep going. This was one of them.

Gai breathed in deeply, the smells of trees, forest, life, surprisingly unchanged by what was happening to him. That was reassuring.

Kakashi had crushed him before. Gai’d been beaten down, on the ground, watching his blood being soaked up by the earth, wondering what would grow in that spot. Kakashi had stood over him, then shrugged and walked away, unaffected. Uncaring.

And Gai had gotten up, dusted himself off and come back stronger.

“I love you, Kakashi,” he said, proud of the levelness of his voice. “That won’t change, whether you want me or not.”

Kakashi blushed. That alone, Gai thought, should be worth a thousand points in his favor.

“It’s not that I—“

_Two thousand._

Gai felt like he could smile again; he tried and succeeded.

“I’m not the type to give up,” he declared for the entire world to hear, not that it should be news to anyone.

A sigh from Kakashi, not unexpected but frustrating nonetheless. “Gai, it’s complicated, you know that.” There were flickers of doubt, though, in his expression. Gai was doing his best to read Kakashi, which was hard even under perfect conditions. Here in the shadow of the forest, with Gai’s heart beating much too fast and his fervent hopes, rising and falling with every word from Kakashi’s lips, it was close to impossible.

“I’m sorry for what happened. It was a moment of weakness. I should have known better,” Kakashi said this fast and matter-of-factly, clearly he wanted to get this over with. Gai had to battle the urge to interrupt and protest. He needed to show Kakashi that he was not a hasty hothead who couldn’t think things through.  

“I want to go back to the way things were. We’ve got something that works, and that’s important to me. It’s important for the village, too. Throwing it away for something that might not work would be stupid . And dangerous.” All these damning statements spoken so calmly. In a way it was impressive. Selfless, too, if you took it at face-value. But there was more to it than that. Shinobi dated. They got married and built families just like civilians. Even the strongest among them allowed themselves, even sought out, such bonds.  

Gai folded his arms; he was going to be stern about this. He wanted a real answer, not just flimsy excuses.

“Actions cannot be taken back, Kakashi. Once you do something, you have to take responsibility! Everything else would be cowardice! If you don’t want to be with me, I understand, but I will keep fighting for you!”

He wanted to hear something, anything that would tell him… Tell him how Kakashi really felt about him.

Kakashi, however, still was a master of evasion. “We’ve talked about this,” he said, shaking his head. “Maybe someday…”

_There._

Gai could see it, the regret and pain; he could hear it in Kakashi’s voice as well. But hope, hope had snuck in there, too, it was a tiny crack in Kakashi’s defense, and Gai knew he had to make use of it as quickly as possible.

“You could have me _now_.” He put his hands on his hips, flicking his back his vest and pushing out his chest in the process to show off what Kakashi was missing. His great body! Who could say no to that?

Disappointingly, his rival remained mostly oblivious.

 “You know it’s not that simple. We’ll always belong to the village first, we have our duty, we have our students – well, you have yours, at least. Anyway, it wouldn’t work.”

What a pessimistic outlook! It made Gai want to cringe, but he could do something better than that. He could counter!

Gai looked deep into Kakashi’s eye, hoping to transmit his feelings this way. “There are parts of me that wouldn’t belong to anyone but you, sides of me that no one but you would get to see,” he said, obviously referring to the previous night. Kakashi had enjoyed it, too, hadn’t he? He’d wanted it, hadn’t he? Shadows of doubts still lingered in Gai’s heart, but he pushed them away, imagined them dissolving in the light of his love.

“Parts? Which parts would be mine exactly?” Kakashi cocked his head, eyebrow raised.

“Ah, I was talking about…” His heart, he’d wanted to say, but he realized that, technically, his heart also belonged to his students… which would leave… Gai blushed.

And Kakashi smiled, he actually smiled a real smile, Gai could see it in his eye, and it made Gai’s heart _wobble_.

It also made him come to a decision.

“I’ll prove it to you!” He shouted, fist raised. “That it _can_ work and that nothing has to change!”

“And how will you do that?” Kakashi sounded tentatively amused, if not entirely convinced.

“I’ll find a way! Yosh! It’s a challenge!” That burst of energy he felt, of pure joy, and the way Kakashi looked at him then – the ill-concealed yearning in that gaze that lingered on Gai’s body – that was the first step.

He’d let hope and determination carry him the rest of the way, after all, they always had.

 

End


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